Bucks Against Contors
Support group · Tuesdays · All ages · No spikes · No phones
Weekly meeting. Tuesdays, 7 PM. Church basement, the one off the county road, you know the one.
Folding chairs. Coffee provided. Do not eat the coffee.
If you have been marked in an app, you are not alone. You are, however, marked.
Tear one off. Larry will not mind. Larry is not here. Larry is fine. Probably.
Meeting recordings
Every meeting is recorded for the record. Steve asked why. Nobody had a good answer. They are released here first, before anywhere else, in order.
Tape 1
Not yet released
This is where the newest recording plays. Right now the newest recording is in a Ziploc bag in Jim's truck.
Membership roll
Attendance is taken. Attendance is the whole point.
Regular · Every meeting since the beginning
Nine seasons bedded in a cutover forty yards off the Elk River. A man from Athens dropped a pin on it in March. Larry found out in October.
Sits closest to the door. Faces the door. Has not eaten a persimmon since.
Treasurer · Keeps the minutes
Runs the meeting. Runs it well. The only one who will say Gary's name out loud, which is why he is the one who has to say the part about the hat.
Thinks the coffee is fine. Has never tried the coffee.
New member · Attending under protest
Says the truck that has parked at the gate every Saturday since August is "probably a surveyor." It is not a surveyor. It has a bow rack.
Steve is going to be fine. Steve has a plan. Steve's plan is the same food plot, at the same time, in the same wind.
Founding member · Does not speak
Nobody knows how old. Was drawn on a paper map in 2011, a phone in 2019, and something called a "refuge model" this spring. Has not moved in fourteen years and would like everyone to stop talking about it.
Spike · Provisional
Walked to his first meeting at 1:30 in the afternoon. Across a bean field. Asked if the app was free.
Shut up, Tommy.
In memoriam
Charter member · Sat in that chair
Ignored one pin. One.
Gary is currently in a den in Huntsville, above a television. They put a Santa hat on him now. Every December. The group has requested the hat be removed. The request is pending.
Charter member · Jerky
Dennis had the best nose in three counties and went out to check a scrape in a south wind because a scrape "doesn't have a wind." Dennis is teriyaki now. Some of Dennis was traded for a chainsaw.
Adopted unanimously (Tommy abstained; Tommy was eating the agenda)
All of them. We do not care where you keep them. We have seen where you keep them. It is a phone. Larry was on the phone.
Status: denied
For ten thousand years a man walked into the woods and guessed. That was the deal. Guessing was fair. Some years he guessed right and we lit a candle. Now nobody guesses and we are out of candles.
Status: no response
We had one thing. One. We could smell you from a quarter mile and you could not do anything about it. Now the phone knows where the wind is going before the wind does. Dennis did not deserve that. Dennis was only mostly at fault.
Status: they added thermals
Or, at minimum, the hat. We will accept the hat.
Status: pending since December
Basement wall, left of the coffee
Members are encouraged to contribute. Members are encouraged to stop contributing. It is getting to be a lot.
NO
WANTED
For questioning · by everyone
Goes by "Scout." Lives in a phone. Talks. Knows where you bed, what you eat, and which way the air moves at dusk. Has never been seen outdoors.
Reward: one (1) acorn
The petition
Signers are notified of every new tape, every meeting, every vigil, and every time Steve is wrong about the truck. Which is often.
We, the undersigned, stand with the bucks in their demands, or at least stand near them, quietly, upwind.
By signing you agree to receive updates from Bucks Against Contors. You can leave whenever you want. We cannot.
Noted.
Your name is on the list. Jim has the list. Jim keeps the list in the Ziploc with the tapes.
You will hear from us when there is a new recording, a new meeting, or new information about the hat.
Contors has been notified of your signature. They responded with a free trial, which we consider a threat.
From the record
7:02 — Called to order. Larry present. Steve present. Old Buck present. Tommy present, late, wet.
7:04 — Empty chair acknowledged. Nobody sat in it. Tommy asked if he could sit in it. Tommy was told.
7:10 — Old business: the hat. Still on. Larry has a cousin near Huntsville who could "look into it." Motion tabled, cousin also marked.
7:18 — Steve gave an update on the truck. Steve says it's a surveyor. Steve says surveyors carry bows sometimes. Discussion.
7:31 — New business: something about the phone showing where our smell scent goes. Old Buck stood up. Old Buck sat down. Meeting quiet for a while.
7:36 — Larry reports the phone now shows the landowner's owner's name on every property. Larry's property has a name. Larry did not know properties had names. Larry has met the name.
7:40 — Coffee. Tommy ate the coffee.
7:52 — Adjourned. Members left one at a time, at intervals, not the way they came.
Yes. We meet Tuesdays. We have minutes. We have a treasurer. We had a Gary.
We are going to let that one go, once.
You get told when there is a new tape, before anyone else. You get told about meetings. You do not get safer. Nobody does. That is sort of the whole thing.
No.
Hunters can sign. Hunters have signed. We keep those on a separate list. The list is not for anything. It is just separate.
It is the app. It is the reason Larry faces the door. If you are a person and you want to know more than that, it is at contors.com. We would prefer you didn't.
There is no money. There was an envelope. See "Tommy."
Hey, this is Jim. I don't check this email. Too busy changing up my pattern these days, thanks to the morons at Contors.com.
Send your complaints to them at info@contors.com. Send mine too.
— Jim